We can figure this stuff out like mature, dignified adults, even if you have to use a little subterfuge to get your man talking. But the worst thing we can do is ignore the BIG implied question — What do you both really, REALLY want sexually?
If we leave those sex fantasy questions unasked and, ten months later, you’re resentful that he hasn’t tied you up yet and he’s frustrated you won’t play along with scenario he keeps hinting at.
So, here are FIVE simple, sneaky (yet innocuous) ways you can start feeling out your partner’s secret sexual fantasies, get you both talking about sex, and circumvent the awkwardness.
1. Ask “What was the first thing you can remember that turned you on sexually?”
This sounds weird, but asking this can offer HUGE insights into what pushes your partner’s buttons sexually. For example, I once had a boyfriend who admitted that, when he was young, he was obsessed with commercials for Bodyshaping, a morning workout program for ESPN. Cut to 30 years later and he’s got an odd little kink for aerobics and bodysuits. Go figure.
2. Figure out what time of day (and what circumstances) does your partner usually get the most “charged up.”
Life can be hectic. It is hard enough to sync up schedule-wise, so it’s good to figure out when you’re both feeling the most in the mood. Is it morning or night? Is it when he’s bored at work or the first time you see each other after you get home? You need to know! Figure out when he’s at his perkiest and use that time to start asking him about what turns him on. (He’ll be way more apt to answer.)
3. If the sex fantasy too embarrassing to bring up, rent a movie.
The easiest example is 50 Shades of Grey. Maybe not the best true-to-life example of real-life bondage (or acting), but what a better way to enter into a conversation about BDSM with someone? Find a movie that features what you’re into (or you suspect your man is into), keep your finger on the pause button, and let the movie be your sexual icebreaker.
4. Make the sex fantasy equivalent of a swear jar.
Try this exercise with your partner. Ask them — if there was a “sexy thoughts” box where you could slip in a piece of paper with a secret desire every time you had one, would your box be… a). Dusty, b). Medium-full, c). In need of a second box to handle the overflow?
The next step is making that box (and hiding it from your kids) and filling it with some suggestions to get your man thinking about what he might really want. It’s an indirect, and extremely effective, way to create sexual anticipation.
5. Find ways to lower your “sex talk” inhibition level.
And we don’t just mean getting drunk. Have you ever done karaoke? Gone sky-diving? Bungie jumped? The first time you do any of those things, it’s TERRIFYING. By the tenth time, it’s old news.
Talking about sex is the SAME way. Make the move in a public place. Whisper something filthy in his ear. Tell him you want him in a crowded restaurant. Just show each other that you’re ready to take things up a notch, with your words and actions, and get the ball rolling.